The only thing I can see as to critique is the capital letters. Unless this is some script for a comic, the full word capitlized of each letter is not needed. "OH NO!" should be ok a few times, but after that "What! Oh, no!" is better.
Okay, really appreciate it! I will definitely keep that in mind for the rest of the story. I'm not trying to make this a comic, just because making a comic would be a TON of work. I'm just focusing on fan fic. But again, thank you for the critique!
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